Today’s the day it all exploded. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been that girl that constantly puts pressure on herself. I’ve worked and worked and worked until I knew I couldn’t work any harder on something and I’ve just never known any different. In school, I did not go to sleep until I was 110% present ready for the exam the next day. With blogging, I did not turn off my laptop until I had the blog post ready for the next day. At work (my old full time job), I did not leave the office until I had my to-do list finished. At home, I did not go to sleep until my room was immaculate and everything was back in it’s place. It’s just the kind of person I am. Some people will think I’m crazy and that I need to chill out, but that’s me. Always has been, always will be.
But lately, I just haven’t been able to keep it all together. Things got really busy with the blog, I started travelling more than ever, I’ve totally grown out of my current apartment and have just run out of space and so I’m finally admitting (to myself more than anyone) that… I’m totally and utterly OVERWHELMED. I said it. See I’m the world’s biggest control freak and also the world’s worst delegator and so fully believe I can just do everything myself. But when I woke up today, looked at my emails & messages, looked around my untidy room, I literally felt sick to my stomach with worry at how far behind I was with everything. I just broke down. And you might be thinking, oh these are such small things, but I guess everyone has their own different things that get to them. I’ve sat infront of my laptop for about an hour now trying my best to keep the tears back and the only way I knew I would calm down was to just start writing. Even half way through this post, I’m not sure yet if I’m even going to hit publish on this, I just know it’s helping and I’m going to keep writing for as long as it helps me. That’s the thing about writing things down, it just helps you to see everything a little clearer.
What is with us girls, especially, we tend to just keep absolutely everything bottled up and then all of a sudden the bottle explodes. Out of the blue! I don’t really know what even set me off this morning, but something did. I guess I kind of feel I’m in a bit of a transition period at the moment and all I can think about is the ‘restructure’ that’s to come. I’m moving apartments in about a month’s time where I’ll finally have an office space (and a place to film for Youtube), I’m going to be hiring someone onto the Retro Flame team which means I’ll finally have some help and I guess in my mind, my life will just be a little more ‘together’. But the time between now and then has turned me into a worried mess and has left me very all the over the place I guess. I’m struggling a little to find inspiration for blogging and just my overall work ethic has been a little off. It’s funny how something as small as not having a dedicated, nice & airy environment to work at has really thrown me off.
From the outset looking in, I’m sure everything looks just lovely to those of you who follow me on Insta & Snapchat, but there are days like today where there’s just no hiding it. Trust me, EVERYONE has those days. Now don’t get me wrong, there are people who are a million times busier than me, with kids, a few businesses, whatever it may be and they’re probably handling everything just fine. But for me, a lot of small things added up and everything just really hit me like a tonne of bricks today. And trust me, I know I bring this all on myself. New York is probably one of the toughest places to live and definitely makes everything harder and more intense so maybe if I was back in Ireland or somewhere else in the world, I mightn’t feel as overwhelmed. I’m coming up to my 2 year mark here and I’m really starting to ask myself if it’s definitely where I want to stay for another few years and I’m actually going to write a whole other post on that too (when I calm down a bit). I’m sure people are thinking why don’t you just go buy a desk, make a new office space in your current apartment and just start working there. The answer? There’s already barely enough room for me and Ciara. Haha, no joke! What we pay in rent for this apartment (which I seriously did love up until about a month ago) would probably get me an apartment + a whole seperate floor of office place for a few people in a different city. That’s the thing about New York, they don’t make it easy here. “If you can make it in New York…….” and all that. So yes, I could move to a different city and probably have a better work environment but I just can’t do it. I can’t leave New York just yet, no where else is good enough for me at the moment. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have the opportunity to be here and the bad days are just part of the experience. But as I said, I’ll continue this in a separate post.
Over the last few weeks, I feel like I’ve just been running around in circles, getting absolutely no where. I remember when I was in school, I would have my list of homework to do, I wouldn’t stop until I had everything ticked off and then I would go relax. Fast forward a couple of years and that ‘relax’ word has fallen out of my dictionary. I truly do believe New York turned me more crazy than I already was! Relaxing is just not a ‘thing’ here and as a result, I’ve gone and finally burned myself out. I have avoided it for some time now but over the last few weeks, I just knew it was on the way. You’ll have seen me on Snapchat yesterday talking about my recent skin issues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my skin has broke out and nothing seems to be fixing it. As I take a little step back today and I guess give a look in from the outside, it’s finally obvious to me that I know why my skin has rebelled. It’s because I just haven’t been looking after myself. Weeks of very little sleep, skipping meals because I’m too ‘busy’, added in with all the stress and pressure I’m putting on myself…no wonder my skin hates me! We’re all only human and all just trying to do our best but we need to remember to be good to our bodies. Because without proper health and wellness, that to-do list will only keep stressing us more…because it won’t be getting done.
So now that I’ve calmed down a bit after writing this, I guess what I’m trying to get accross is that ‘nothing worth having comes easy’. There will be SO many ups and downs in life and so many shitty days (like I’m having today) where you’ll be full of self-doubt and worry, but it’s all just part of the process. For me, I need to realise that with change comes a period of craziness and this is just unavoidable. Everything just won’t be ‘perfect’ for a the next few weeks and I’ll just have to accept that. For now, I have to make the most of what I have and keep thinking ahead to how happy I’ll be when I’m sitting at my new little desk, in my new apartment. Oh and I’m pretty sure I’ll look back at this post then and call myself a drama queen, haha, but look it is what it is today. I’m just being honest.
So at the end of it all, this has helped me and I’m going to hit publish in the hope that it might help make a few of you realise that it’s more than normal to have a crappy day. If you too are going through change, a tough time at work, whatever it may be, just know that it’s often the struggle that makes you even happier in the end. It will always always get better. You just have to have patience.
I’m off now to give this day a second chance.